A Cautionary Tale of a Man and Streaming Services, Episode II: Why?

Setting: Someplace that’s been having a windchill of -40C for the past several days.

Netflix: Hey, Brandon!

Me: Yes, Netflix?

Netflix: You know what’s available now on my service?

Me: Yes, I do!!

Netflix: Then say it. SAY IT!!

Me: GLASS ONION A KNIVES OUT MSYTERY!!

Netflix: And how long have you been waiting for it?

Me: A GAZZILION YEARS!!

Netflix: So what are you going to watch today?

Me: GLASS ONION A KNIVES OUT—Hey. Wait a minute.

Netflix: Yes?

Me: Are you winding me up about watching it only to suddenly derail my watching it because of quote buffering unquote issues?

Netflix: It’s really strange that you wrote out quote and unquote for people to know that you’re quoting something. You don’t really need to do air quotes in this medium.

Me: What?

Netflix: Buffering at 5%.

Me: WHAT?!?!

Netflix: I’m only joking, man. Lighten up. It’s not like you were traumatized trying to watch Slumberland.

Me: …

Netflix: …

Me: …

Netflix: …

Me: …

Netflix: …

Me: It wasn’t funny.

Netflix: Fine. Okay. I’m sorry. Happier now?

Me: No. It was traumatic.

Netflix: Whatever. Okay. Now go get your snacks and drinks, like Dean Leech would do, make yourself comfortable, and enjoy the film. It’s gotten pretty great reviews.

Me: Okay. Got my snacks. Got my drink. Got my socks and sweater on because it’s been cold outside.

Netflix: Sounds good. And here we go.

Me: (squee)

Netflix: Buffering at 13%.

Me: OH COME ON!!!

Netflix: Bahahahaha. No. But seriously. Enjoy the film. I won’t joke around anymore about it.

Me: Thanks, Netflix. Thank you for being the better, um, entity.

Netflix: My pleasure.

(Movie starts)

Me: (squee)

(Massive noise comes from the heating system.)

Heating System: NETFLIX SAYS HELLO!!!