Something Old #2 (aka A Bit More From Star Trek Voyager’s Past)

Back in the days when I was a regular on one of the Star Trek Voyager newsgroups, there were a few posters that inspired me with their wit & humour (although contrary to opinion, one of them was *not* Ta’teria).  In the time that I spent laughing at the things they posted, I eventually came up with the idea of Ask Ensign Kim.

I had already stopped posting regularly in the newsgroup because I had gone back to University which, contrary to popular belief, took up my time with stuff.  Books.  Reading.  Life.  Bar.  Class.  Afternoon naps.  The important things.  Oh, and groups of people going for lunch and/or supper.  This tends to happen when you live in a university residence that doesn’t offer you the chance to just do your own cooking.

I decided that the best characters to use were Ensign Harry Kim, the yougest of the adult crew.  And yes, I realize that Kes was physically the youngest, but when you only live for nine years she was technically older than Harry Kim.  Dog years and all.

Anyhow I decided on Harry Kim.  As Neelix was trying to do this whole moral support/t.v. thing for Voyager, well, he seemed a natural fit.  He was also an outsider, which always makes for a way of viewing things outside the norm and pointing out certain things.

I left a post asking for questions to pool ideas from, and I got some great ones to work with.  I also got to pick and choose what I wanted to use, which is always a nice benefit.

And thus ASK ENSIGN KIM was born.

The first one was a nice hit out of the gate.  It got nice feedback, which ended up encouraging me to do another one that came two months later.

And now here’s the second ASK ENSIGN KIM.

—– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —–

ASK ENSIGN KIM #2
Date:  Tue, 08 Aug 2000 04:06:53 GMT

NEELIX:  Hello, everyone.  And welcome to another edition of Ask Ensign Kim, right here on Voyager’s own NNT … Neelix Network Television.  Good evening, Ensign Kim.

HARRY:  You sound so formal tonight, Neelix.  What up with that?

NEELIX:  (beat)  Huh?

HARRY:  Nothing.  So how’s it going tonight?

NEELIX:  It’s going good.  I see you survived our last edition just fine.

HARRY:  Yeah.  Doc took care of the black eye.

NEELIX:  So that’s why it’s blue now.

HARRY:  Don’t mention that to the Doc.  He’s kind of sensitive to making mistakes.  I didn’t want to get him into a tizzy.

NEELIX:  A what?

HARRY:  Nevermind.  So … what kinds of questions do we have tonight?

NEELIX:  Well, let’s see.  (beat)  Wow.  Looks like we’ve got quite a few tonight.  Let’s just take a looksie here … ah.  Here’s one.  It’s from Lt. Bozo.  Does anyone onboard know what deuterium is?

HARRY:  Deuterium?  Hmmm.  Sounds familiar.  (beat)  I remember now.  It’s that stuff that we’re always running out of and keep having to look everywhere to find it.  Funny thing is … the Delta quadrant seems to be full of it!

NEELIX:  Next up is from … Ensign Arlie.  She’d like to know what’s the airspeed of an unladen swallow?

HARRY:  Hmm.  Well, my swallows aren’t usually laden with anything other than food.  And they don’t fly.  So I’m not sure how to answer that.

NEELIX:  Ah.  Lt. Dood would like to know why you don’t bonk that jery ryin chik?  Is he gaye or what?

HARRY:  Who?

NEELIX:  It’s a monday night.  All the strange ones seem to come out.

HARRY:  What’s a bonk?

NEELIX:  Here’s another from Lt. Bozo.  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a lollipop.

HARRY:  Three, plus a crunch.  I love the crunch part.  Very satisfying.  Tom let me lick his lollipop once, but he wouldn’t let me crunch it.  Said something about saving it for later.

NEELIX:  Oh, really?  He never lets me lick his lollipops.  He must really like you.

HARRY:  Best friends.

NEELIX:  Here’s one from … actually it’s another one from Ensign Arlie.  What’s so bad about Bolian bathroom habits?

HARRY:  You know, I was really surprised to find out about Bolian bathroom habits. I never knew that they had these special hats … I’m sorry, these special habits … to wear when they did their call of nature thing.  Strange headwear, too.

NEELIX:  Next up is from Lt Bozo again.

HARRY:  Wow.  Must be his night off.

NEELIX:  He’d like to know …  (stifles a snickering giggle)  He’d like to know if you can tell the Delaney sisters apart in … in a blind taste test.

HARRY:  (blush)

NEELIX:  You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you turn that shade of red.

HARRY:  Next question, please?

NEELIX:  This one’s from Ensign Wavemaker.

HARRY:  Wave, buddy!!  How you doing?

NEELIX:  He’d like to know if you could switch places, as in switch bodies, with someone else, who would it be with?

HARRY:  I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be Tom for a day.  To hang around B’Elanna like he does, hang around sick bay with the Doc, play with his joystick on the Delta Flyer.  I think it’d be cool.  I’d also like to be Lt. Carey.  He always seems to have time off.

NEELIX:  Here’s one from Crewman Christianson.  He’d like to know if you’ve ever delivered chinese food to Fiver.  (beat)  I don’t get that one.

HARRY:  Neither do I.  What’s next?

NEELIX:  From Bozo again.  Since you and Tuvok are the only bridge personnel without chairs, do you two at least have urinals built in under your consoles?  That’s a very good question, actually.  I’ve often wondered that myself.

HARRY: Well, here’s a little secret and hint.  Tuvok and I are the ones with transporter control.

NEELIX:  Well, my goodness.  Well, time for one last one.  It’s from Ensign Arlie again.  She’d like to know if you ever wonder why you end up in bondage in all of Tom’s holoprograms?

HARRY:  Isn’t that what all sidekicks do?  Get tied up?  I kind of enjoy it actually.  Well, until Tom starts to tickle me.  Then I kind of get this odd tingly sensation.

NEELIX:  Well, that’s it for the night.  Looks like you managed to not tick anyone off this time.

HARRY:  I know.  You don’t know how much sucking up to B’Elanna I had to do last time.  And that was *after* she hit me.  (beat)  Oops.  I wasn’t supposed to say that.

NEELIX:  Live and learn.  Until next time everyone!  Enjoy Neelix Network Television!!!

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About Brandon Williford

Dad. Writer. Creator of things. I sound like I should be fun.

Posted on January 8, 2012, in Humour and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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