Something Old … (aka A Bit from Star Trek: Voyager’s Past)

A long time ago… in a galaxy far, far awa… – no wait.

A long time ago… in a house on the other side of the city… I used to watch Star Trek: Voyager.  Because I liked Star Trek.  Because Robert Picardo was fun to watch.  Because Jeri Ryan managed to bring some acting to the role that required her to wear a really tight cat-suit.  Because every so often someone on the writing staff accidentally wrote a good episode when Brannon Braga and/or Rick Berman weren’t looking.  Hell even when Braga wrote something when he wasn’t looking.

Anyhow, I was a part of a Star Trek Voyager newsgroup.  It was a place where you could relax and enjoy the flame wars that would inevitably happen at least every other day, and usually involved the character of Tom Paris.  It was also a place where you could share the funny, whether it was on or off topic.  But usually when it was on-topic because let’s face it.  Of the various Star Trek series, Voyager was the easiest to make fun of.  Doesn’t make it the best or worse of the various series, but it did make for the easiest to take shots at.

So today, I’m posting the first of what turned into three episodes of ASK ENSIGN KIM.  (I recently rediscovered them on my computer.)

—– —– —– —– —– —– —– —–


Date:  Mon, 26 Jun 2000 23:15:13 GMT

Neelix:  Welcome to our first exciting edition of Ask Ensign Kim.  Welcome, Harry.

Harry:  Thanks, Neelix.  So what kind of questions do we have today?

Neelix:  First up is from Crewman Arlie.  She’d like to know … er … uhm.

Harry :  What is it, Neelix?

Neelix:  I’m not sure how appropriate this is.

Harry:  Oh, come on.  Just read it.

Neelix:  I mean I’m really …

Harry:  Neelix!

Neelix:  Crewman Arlie would like to know what it is … that Tom sucks.


Harry:  Well … that’s a … a very good question.  (beat)  Tom … Tom doesn’t suck so much as he slurps.  He’s big on slurping.  Slurps everything.  Soup, drinks, melted ice cream, Leola Root Stew, B’Elanna.  (pause)  Oops.  I think I just said too much.

Neelix:  I’m sure she won’t mind.

Harry:  This is B’Elanna we’re talking about, Neelix.

Neelix:  I know.  But maybe that personality won’t be out today.  So how about that next question?

Harry:  Sounds good.

Neelix:  This one is from Crewman Ta’Teria.  He’d like to know …  (beat)  … he’d like to know when Tom is getting you from the rear, does he call you baby face?


Harry:  Uhm.  From the rear of what?

Neelix:  Right.  Next question.  From Ensign Wavemaker.

Harry:  Right!  Hiya, Wave!

Neelix:  He’d like to know … how it feels to be Tom’s little buddy.

Harry:  You mean like Gilligan’s Little Buddy to the Skipper?

Neelix:  Who’re Gilligan and the Skipper?

Harry:  Two sailors from an old 20th century sitcom about some shipwrecked people.  Lots of jokes used to be made about whether or not they were gay.

Neelix:  Ah.  Interesting.

Harry:  I guess, sort of.  As for being Tom’s little buddy, at least he never hits me on the head with his hat!

(Harry and Neelix laugh)

Neelix:  Okay.  Time enough for one more question.  Also from Ensign Wavemaker, who says to say hi back as well.

Harry:  Cool.  You’re on the ball today, Wave.  At this rate, you’ll make lieutenant j.g. before I do.

(Harry and Neelix laugh again)

Harry:  But seriously, what’s the question, Neelix?

Neelix:  What’s it like to kiss a cow?

Harry:  Hey, that’s no way to talk about Tal.

Neelix:  I think he was talking about that little prank of Tom’s in Fair Haven.

Harry:  You just had to remind me of that, didn’t you?  Well … it’s kind of odd.  It tasted like chicken.

Neelix:  And that wraps it up for tonight.  Tune in again next week for another instalment of Ask Ensign Kim.  (pause)  Oh, wait. There’s one more.  You got time?

Harry:  Sure.  Why not?

Neelix:  It’s … Hmm.  It’s anonymous.  Anyhow the question is … er …

Harry:  Yes?

Neelix:  Do you know what it’s like to be a dead man?

Harry:  Actually I do.  I’ve been dead, what?  Three, four times now?  Er … uh … That was from B’Elanna, wasn’t it?

Neelix:  I think it was.

Harry:  Uhm … hi, Maquis.  I love you.

Neelix:  I don’t think that’ll help.

Harry:  Shucks.


About Brandon Williford

Dad. Writer. Creator of things. I sound like I should be fun.

Posted on December 26, 2011, in Commentaries, Humour, T.V. Commentaries and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Ahh, the good old days…

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